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slayer_sam ([info]slayer_sam) wrote in [info]birthwritelab,
@ 2007-09-19 01:03:00


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Submitted for Feedback -- "Cold and Grey"
Small cell, cold and grey.

White sheets on a thin mattress. Just one pillow, flat and overused.

Rusty toilet, looked like it hadn’t been washed in months. Metal bars keeping the outside world away, as dreary as the cell itself.

Huddled up in a corner, arms wrapped around knees. Tear-stained eyes, puffy and red. No cell mate, none wanted.

Samantha was alone in this. She had no friends, no allies. Everyone on her side was dead. Dead or … taken away somewhere.

Cory.

Her son, the one Jason DiSantos once begged her not to have. The son Jason left her because she refused to listen.

Time alone, regret. Wonder.

Was Jason right? Should she have listened? If she had … no cell.

No cold, no grey. No tears.

How many days? She lost count. One week? Two?

Oh, the things they were probably saying at the station. Starnes was loving this. She had to – she finally caught the younger, prettier cop.

No, that was stupid. She was doing her job; nothing personal.

Guards stare. Mumble as they walk away. Crooked cop, they call her. Murderous bitch.

Evil. Tainted.

Was she the only Slayer ever to be called those things? She didn’t know … probably.

Where was the Council? No contact, nothing. Figured … she needed the Watchers, they were too busy watching … something.

Always watching, never doing.

She didn’t do it. She couldn’t have. She was innocent. Too bad they didn’t know it.

Long sigh, another tear. Slowly trickling down her cheek.

Small cell, cold and grey.


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Feedback as it comes
[info]eyelinergirls
2007-09-19 13:59 (link)
Small cell, cold and grey.

White sheets on a thin mattress. Just one pillow, flat and overused. [Use adjectives sparingly.]

Rusty toilet, looked like it hadn’t been washed in months. Metal bars keeping the outside world away, as dreary as the cell itself. [I'm not a fan of reflexive prononouns, i.e. 'the cell itself'. You could entirely lose that word.]

Huddled up in a corner, arms wrapped around knees. Tear-stained eyes, puffy and red. No cell mate, none wanted.

Samantha was alone in this. She had no friends, no allies. Everyone on her side was dead. Dead or … taken away somewhere.

Cory.

Her son, the one Jason DiSantos once begged her not to have. The son Jason left her because she refused to listen.

Time alone, regret. Wonder.

Was Jason right? Should she have listened? If she had … no cell.

No cold, no grey. No tears. [Good repetition.]

How many days? She lost count. One week? Two? [Maybe unrealistic to lose count of weeks when there have only been two. It'd make more sense to lose track of a number of days.]

Oh, the things they were probably saying at the station. Starnes was loving this. She had to – she finally caught the younger, prettier cop. [I like the paranoia. I have to question pointing out allegedly better looks. Is that necessary?]

No, that was stupid. She was doing her job; nothing personal. [Good correction.]

Guards stare. Mumble as they walk away. Crooked cop, they call her. Murderous bitch. [Careful switching between present and past tense.]

Evil. Tainted. [Good.]

Was she the only Slayer ever to be called those things? She didn’t know … probably. [Eh, not so much! Heh... see Buffy 8.6 and beyond! Guess Sam isn't a subscriber.]

Where was the Council? No contact, nothing. Figured … she needed the Watchers, they were too busy watching … something. [I'm a fan of short punchy sentences, as long as they're intermingled with longer, complete ones. I think it's tricky not to lose dramatic effect if you overdo it.]

Always watching, never doing. [Good.]

She didn’t do it. She couldn’t have. She was innocent. Too bad they didn’t know it. [Good that she's exerting innocence.]

Long sigh, another tear. Slowly trickling down her cheek. [Careful of the 'lone teardrop' cliche.]

Small cell, cold and grey. [Good repetition.]

[I applaud that you went for something a little different than your normal style here. Good brain exercise.]

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