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Rhiannon Lee ([info]rhiannon_lee) wrote in [info]birthwritelab,
@ 2007-05-14 17:29:00


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Submitted for Feedback- "Staccato"
"Thank Christ for shellfish." Fingers snapped the crab leg. "Earth to Rhi. Pass the butter?"

“Butter’s why you’re dying young.” A complete lie. Immortality and all. Rhi slid it anyway and settled back.

Back in the saddle. Useful, with purpose, and no more doubt. She always gave him impetus. Reason. And now, partners in a new sense. Seafood dipped in hot butter. Enjoy the moment. "How's your meal?"

“Meal-tacular.” Rhiannon’s sarcasm heavy on the air. “Last time you order while I’m in the bathroom.” Food pushed around on a full plate. Her mind someplace else, a cigarette burning to ash.

"Ash is a good Watcher. Friend of the big man himself. She's in good hands." He sensed her distance. Wondered if it brought memories. It brought back one of his own. Rhiannon walking through the door, a promise to meet three months later. So much then unknown. "You're a million miles away."

Away from other diners, and unconcerned about eavesdropping. “She’s green.” Rhiannon’s thumb at her eyebrow, rubbing. “I could break her in half.”

Half of the crab leg devoured. Napkin dabbed at dripped butter on his chin. "Yeah. A stiff wind could'a pushed rollergirl into the bay. Fate doesn't always pick the seasoned and stout."

"Stout, maybe not. Weighing a least a buck is preferable.” Her fingers tapped, the nail polish chipping. She abandoned her cigarette for a pen. “You never know about watchers.” The ink lines were dark against wood grain. Ancient-seeming. Not the first etched there.

There was a small lull. The Agent considered changing the conversation. "Penny for your thoughts." He padded his pockets. "Don't suppose you'd take credit?"

Credit would get maxed, all that raced inside Rhiannon’s head. “Was thinking I get it now, why it’s hard. The leaving.” The pen continued its long lines, its gentle curvatures. “Almost wished she came with us.” Dark eyes lifted. Unblinking. “Mum’s the word.”

Words searched to comfort. He stretched out. Looked at possibilities. "You'll see her again. Jennie'll surprise everyone." The Agent kept her gaze, the dinner ignored. "I wanted the same. To protect you. Selfish. You had a destiny."

“Destiny might be overrated.” Rhiannon’s eyebrows arched. “I’m still looking for mine. The big one, you know. Every slayer wonders. Is it something big? Do I kill it or does it kill me.” The ballpoint digging deep. “They stopped whispering you the answers.”

"Answers mean no surprises." He'd mulled this over before. Since Beowawe. When the Powers made Swiss cheese of Whistler's brain. "There's something liberating about not knowing what comes next. Like when you first kissed me. Didn't see that coming. Happiest moment." He watched as his girlfriend scrawled. "Do you want to know, Rhi? A peek at your future?"

“Futures exist.” Rhiannon’s thumb touched the inked area. The pad went black. “Already, I mean. Tarot proved it to me. A nine of swords… the nightmare card. Emmeline saw a redhead. It was Deanna, I think, and the Hellverse. You.” A sweep of hair off her temple. “So no, but yes, too. It helps you recognize what matters when it comes. Like a match on gasoline.”

"Gasoline prices rise, taxes, death and my love for ya. Four constants. Everything else is a variable." A small smile. His partner/best friend/lover. "And that card only said 'what'. Your actions were the 'how'."

“How the pieces come together... that’s what I change.” Rhiannon capped the pen, frowned into a glass of iced tea. A gnat floated on the surface. “But they do come together. No choice about that.” She tipped the liquid out. A puddle spread. “I just want to know the players.”

"Players change. Turn right instead of left off of Las Vegas Boulevard, it's a Mohra instead of a vampire." Whistler understood however. "The Defiler's still out there. And Elfleda."

Elfleda. The name gave fire to the slayer’s eyes. “I want to hurt her. I’ll go through her science project if it does the trick.” Rhiannon wanted more. She wanted permanent damage done. A scar like the ones inside her. Invisible, but she could remember.

Remembering the Corruptress' influence on his girlfriend, Whistler grimaced. Her soul darkened. Twisting the Slayer until she was almost unrecognizable. Never again. Not while the Agent drew breath. "Nothing since you and Connor smashed the temple of doom?"

“Doom evidence, as you recall, was handed over to the book guys. I’m just here to kick ass and report back.” Rhiannon bit her lip. It cut sharp, tasted like iron but didn’t show red. “Maybe you should ask how the books are treating them. Then point me at Iron Man.”

Iron Man armor would be a boon. Shame comics weren't real. At least the movie didn't suck. Another tangent. He needed to work on that. "You're more. Just ask Jennie. And yeah, I will soon as we get back." The hatted man glanced at her ink-stained thumb. The table. Her etching.

Etching had ceased upon picture’s completion. The rough outline of a young face. Wide eyes. Rhiannon slit her plate across it. “You know, lately my dreams are blank.” Her expression followed suit. “Sometimes I get a wash-out before a big one. Separates it from the junk before.”

“Before the shit hits the fan?" He saw eyes before the image was covered. This he didn't press. Rhiannon would explain if she felt it important.

“Important shit. Otherwise my brain wouldn’t bother with a dream.” The slayer shifted. Restless now. Ready to get home, in case the show started without her. “What about you… anything?”

"Anything? Other than Jennie. They're not talking." The Powers played that game before. When he was destined to play a part in events to come. Which meant trouble.

Trouble could be a self-fulfilling prophesy. It could hang over their heads like a dark cloud. Never produce rain. Rhiannon shrugged. Defiant. A success story on their heels, and the highway to home blazing ahead. “Enjoy the silence.” A smile. Sunlight breaking through. “Somewhere in San Francisco, Ash is earplugging 80s new wave.”

Waves crashed on the shore outside. Inside, a hand reached out. Thumb pressed against ink-stained thumb. Their waiter silently presented the bill and slipped away. "And there's an Iron Man in Vegas that needs to be destroyed." Money placed on table. "Ready?"

“Ready. Just don’t complain when I drive fast.” A hint of dimples. Rhiannon’s secret weapon, rarely used. “I might pull over. Refuse to go anywhere. What would we do to pass the time?”

Time he didn't need to answer Rhiannon's question. Gods, he loved her dimples. "Give you reasons to take our time getting home."

"Home can wait."


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[info]cowboy_witch
2007-05-14 19:38 (link)
"Thank Christ for shellfish." Fingers snapped the crab leg. "Earth to Rhi. Pass the butter?"

“Butter’s why you’re dying young.” A complete lie. Immortality and all. Rhi slid it anyway and settled back.

Back in the saddle. Useful, with purpose, and no more doubt. She always gave him impetus. Reason. And now, partners in a new sense. Seafood dipped in hot butter. Enjoy the moment. "How's your meal?"

“Meal-tacular.” Rhiannon’s sarcasm heavy on the air. [For some reason Eddie Izzard just popped in my head; it sounds like something he’d make up.] “Last time you order while I’m in the bathroom.” Food pushed around on a full plate. Her mind someplace else, a cigarette burning to ash.

"Ash is a good Watcher. Friend of the big man himself. She's in good hands." He sensed her distance. Wondered if it brought memories. It brought back one of his own. Rhiannon walking through the door, a promise to meet three months later. So much then unknown. "You're a million miles away."

Away from other diners, and unconcerned about eavesdropping. “She’s green.” Rhiannon’s thumb at her eyebrow, rubbing. “I could break her in half.”

Half of the crab leg devoured. Napkin dabbed at dripped butter on his chin. "Yeah. A stiff wind could'a pushed rollergirl into the bay. Fate doesn't always pick the seasoned and stout."[I gotta be honest, I had to read the opening paragraphs a few times. I was kinda confused at first … was this a flashback of sorts? A current-day scene? What exactly were they talking about? And then, as I was reading for a second time, I remembered. So, that was more me forgetting what was going on and conversations earlier in the day, so … don’t mind me. :P]

"Stout, maybe not. Weighing a least a buck is preferable.” [Rhi could give Jennie her meal! ] Her fingers tapped, the nail polish chipping. She abandoned her cigarette for a pen. “You never know about watchers.” The ink lines were dark against wood grain. Ancient-seeming. Not the first etched there.

There was a small lull. The Agent considered changing the conversation. "Penny for your thoughts." He padded his pockets. "Don't suppose you'd take credit?"

Credit would get maxed, all that raced inside Rhiannon’s head. “Was thinking I get it now, why it’s hard. The leaving.” The pen continued its long lines, its gentle curvatures. “Almost wished she came with us.” Dark eyes lifted. Unblinking. “Mum’s the word.”

Words searched to comfort. He stretched out. Looked at possibilities. "You'll see her again. Jennie'll surprise everyone." The Agent kept her gaze, the dinner ignored. "I wanted the same. To protect you. Selfish. You had a destiny."

“Destiny might be overrated.” Rhiannon’s eyebrows arched. “I’m still looking for mine. The big one, you know. Every slayer wonders. Is it something big? Do I kill it or does it kill me.” The ballpoint digging deep. “They stopped whispering you the answers.”

"Answers mean no surprises." He'd mulled this over before. Since Beowawe. When the Powers made Swiss cheese of Whistler's brain. "There's something liberating about not knowing what comes next. Like when you first kissed me. Didn't see that coming. Happiest moment." He watched as his girlfriend scrawled. "Do you want to know, Rhi? A peek at your future?"

“Futures exist.” Rhiannon’s thumb touched the inked area. The pad went black. “Already, I mean. Tarot proved it to me. A nine of swords… the nightmare card. Emmeline saw a redhead. It was Deanna, I think, and the Hellverse. You.” A sweep of hair off her temple. “So no, but yes, too. It helps you recognize what matters when it comes. Like a match on gasoline.”

"Gasoline prices rise, taxes, death and my love for ya. Four constants. Everything else is a variable." A small smile. His partner/best friend/lover. "And that card only said 'what'. Your actions were the 'how'."

“How the pieces come together... that’s what I change.” Rhiannon capped the pen, frowned into a glass of iced tea. A gnat floated on the surface. “But they do come together. No choice about that.” She tipped the liquid out. A puddle spread. “I just want to know the players.” [I love the juxtaposition of the mundane with the less-so conversation. Hammers home the point life keeps going, even when nasties threaten to destroy the world.]

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]rhiannon_lee
2007-05-15 07:31 (link)
1) He took her to a seafood restaurant. Rhiannon doesn't eat meat. :) Hence her lack of eating. Yes, indeed, Jennie could have her meal.

2) I probably should've posted the same opener as we did on the scene 'The Girl in Question' to help things flow and let folks know they were still in San Francisco. As for the confusion, yeah that makes sense, because Paul and I like to start things mid-scene. :)

(Reply to this) (Parent)


[info]cowboy_witch
2007-05-14 19:38 (link)
"Players change. Turn right instead of left off of Las Vegas Boulevard, it's a Mohra instead of a vampire." Whistler understood however. "The Defiler's still out there. And Elfleda."[That reminds me, Corbett needs to do some reading … ]

Elfleda. The name gave fire to the slayer’s eyes. “I want to hurt her. I’ll go through her science project if it does the trick.” Rhiannon wanted more. She wanted permanent damage done. A scar like the ones inside her. Invisible, but she could remember.

Remembering the Corruptress' influence on his girlfriend, Whistler grimaced. Her soul darkened. Twisting the Slayer until she was almost unrecognizable. Never again. Not while the Agent drew breath. "Nothing since you and Connor smashed the temple of doom?"[The man in the fedora makes an Indiana Jones reference … somehow, it just seems right.]

“Doom evidence, as you recall, was handed over to the book guys. I’m just here to kick ass and report back.” Rhiannon bit her lip. It cut sharp, tasted like iron but didn’t show red. “Maybe you should ask how the books are treating them. Then point me at Iron Man.”

Iron Man armor would be a boon. Shame comics weren't real. At least the movie didn't suck.[Was it better than Spiderman 3?] Another tangent. He needed to work on that. "You're more. Just ask Jennie. And yeah, I will soon as we get back." The hatted man glanced at her ink-stained thumb. The table. Her etching.

Etching had ceased upon picture’s completion. The rough outline of a young face. Wide eyes. Rhiannon slit her plate across it. “You know, lately my dreams are blank.” Her expression followed suit. “Sometimes I get a wash-out before a big one. Separates it from the junk before.”

“Before the shit hits the fan?" He saw eyes before the image was covered. This he didn't press. Rhiannon would explain if she felt it important.

“Important shit. Otherwise my brain wouldn’t bother with a dream.” The slayer shifted. Restless now. Ready to get home, in case the show started without her. “What about you… anything?”

"Anything? Other than Jennie. They're not talking." The Powers played that game before. When he was destined to play a part in events to come. Which meant trouble.

Trouble could be a self-fulfilling prophesy. It could hang over their heads like a dark cloud. Never produce rain. Rhiannon shrugged. Defiant. A success story on their heels, and the highway to home blazing ahead. “Enjoy the silence.” A smile. Sunlight breaking through. “Somewhere in San Francisco, Ash is earplugging 80s new wave.”

Waves crashed on the shore outside. Inside, a hand reached out. Thumb pressed against ink-stained thumb. Their waiter silently presented the bill and slipped away. "And there's an Iron Man in Vegas that needs to be destroyed." Money placed on table. "Ready?"

“Ready. Just don’t complain when I drive fast.” A hint of dimples. Rhiannon’s secret weapon, rarely used. “I might pull over. Refuse to go anywhere. What would we do to pass the time?”

Time he didn't need to answer Rhiannon's question. Gods, he loved her dimples. "Give you reasons to take our time getting home."

"Home can wait."

[Once I got past the initial confusion of what was going on here, I really got into the scene and it was actually a rather quick read. The beginning-word-same-as-the-last-word wound up being a clever little technique that actually had a good flow to it, and I like the plethora of rapid-fire sentences. I think sometimes those just hit the reader harder; I know sometimes I’m prone to long-winded prose, sentences that get dangerously close to being run-on, but every now and again a short power-puncher works. I can’t work them in quite this frequently, which is part of what makes the amount and frequency of short sentences so impressive here. All in all, a very good scene. ]

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